Madeline Mabry

I took myself to an art museum yesterday. The featured exhibit was of Botticelli’s sketches and some paintings. I laughed at myself upon my first interaction with the art, aware of how the first thing I was considering was “how am I being perceived as an art critic right now?” Honestly, it’s so embarrassing to write that but it’s honest and what happened. I had to relax my way into the experience and remember it was exactly that- an experience and not a performance. When I removed the obligation to have to “like” any particular piece, I was free to feel the way I wanted and exist in a way within the space that felt natural.

In the freedom of observation, I felt like I was given the opportunity to time travel. I held Sandro Botticelli and his disciples hands and became witness to something that feels so ubiquitous in modernity and “grind culture” and is something that can also be painful and frustrating. “Process”.

We are fed the adage, “trust the process”constantly, especially if you subscribe to the “self improvement”, “growth mindset” or even “fitness culture”. It isn’t stated without its merits- process is all life is: birth, growth and death in enumerate forms, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating, arduous or inclement (though sometimes process can be fun and joyous too). It wasn’t until I took time to really observe these drawings that I was able to gain perspective on what process is and its utility.

Culturally, we are exposed to the aftermath of effort, especially with celeb-dom and influencers. We see the pretty, polished and coiffed but not necessarily the fumbles and first drafts. Though we are now more keened into the “behind the scenes”, I think silently there is still this belief that success, wealth, wisdom, strength, a cultivated physique “just happens”. We forget process and wish to bypass it- to see our way to the end goal- without working towards it.

When I looked at the sketches, I saw process in a new light. I saw the machinations of a man’s mind, captured on a piece of paper. One sketch that I found to be the most captivating was “Drapery Study of a Figure: Kneeling to the Right”. The sketch was of an arm, reaching for something. The gift of the piece was in the incredible detail of the drapery and how it hung off of the subject’s arm. The sketch was so precise and so thorough. The artist clearly studied a component of life one may not ordinarily give a second glimpse. That is what made it so beautiful. I could not help but to be pulled into someone else’s process and see how a detail such as the movement of a piece of fabric was so focal to someone’s artistry. The effort and study of something inanimate was what brought it to life-motion and sway being captured so perfectly.

What I found interesting was that sketches were a part of the process to create a painting, while it may be intuitive to some, it was certainly never anything I considered- the paintings don’t just happen with a few random strokes, there is a preparation and a study done before the work happens and harmonizes.

I also learned that in the time of the Renaissance , when Botticelli was creating, artists took positions in workshops with notable masters, their artistic purpose was to create in the same way as their master. All artists under the same roof were working as parts to a whole. With a homogenized technique, each artist would contribute their craft- some to the background, some to clothing or floral details, the most adept were given human subjects. I was astounded by the collaboration and intention that occured in order for a masterpiece to be created.

A painting as magnificent as “Primavera” (a painting which aptly depicts the growth of Spring) would not have been birthed if not for the gift and yielding to process. If not for the process of passion, the process of meticulous study, the process of sketch, of collaboration and assembly there probably would be no art to contemplate and appreciate. There would be no mind blowing details, metaphors or secrets with which to sit or argue. Without process, we skip the precious parts that make something truly incredible.

I am so grateful to have explored the mind and intentions of a renowned artist. I feel held and supported on my own path with the brush strokes and attuned, hungry yet patient eyes of geniuses who have existed before me. They quietly acknowledge with the unveiling of their drafts, erasures and overlays; that the small steps and intimate processes are guiding us, surely toward our own unique mastery.

I finally understand what it means to be present. Not through meditation or anything like that. I recognized the way in which I let the past occupy so much of my present.

I found myself revisiting memories with people I loved, experiences that meant something to an old version of myself and I felt so compelled and so certain to linger there mentally.

It wasn’t until I felt the need arise in my heart to truly allow for change and freshness that I realized I had to make the perspective shift in order to see results.

How could I make space for new love when I was still sharing my heart with people who I don’t see or talk to anymore?

How could I make space to develop my body when the only lens I was seeing it in was clouded with the past lens of self loathing and judgment?

How was I going to progress academically if I thought I was only capable of being a half assed student?

How could Maddie today make new friends and build meaningful connections when the belief system of the past was telling me everyone was out to hurt me and tear me down?

It wasn’t until I was seeing no ground covered, no needle moving on the gauge of satisfaction that I understood that I had to switch gears and be brave enough to leave certain things in the rearview mirror.

I have no idea what will happen next and admittedly the need for control keeps me feeling safer in the old beliefs, old experiences and old stories- but the desire to see new land and feel new feelings is what’s pushing me to set my focus and sight onto something new.

Presence is a practice and a mindset, it is an opportunity waiting for each one of us. It’s a chance to create a change and new chapter.

Presence, I believe, takes a few deep breaths and a deep acceptance that setting down old burdens doesn’t make you less relevant, less experienced. Presence is like stepping into a new outfit, a new season. It takes its form around you if you relax and allow it to be there with you.

There are times when change comes for you whether you like it or not. It can begin as a small seed planted deeply in your mind and in your heart. It can remain dormant, unnourished and starved for days, weeks and months even- fear clouding the sun of confidence and action.

And then one day the seed finds a droplet of wisdom, a ray of hope- something awakens it and rattles it into its blossoming.

Sometimes I find myself in a loop, ignoring the seed of change that’s buried in me. I am aware of it’s presence only mildly and more than anything I am annoyed that I know it’s something with which I have to tend to eventually.

I feel the need for a change in many parts of my life, behaviors and patterns that have resurfaced within myself show up and I see the need to step out of the loops of repeat offenses.

In many ways I see where I make progress and in many ways I see where there is so much more to explore and pursue higher ground.

All it takes sometimes is one moment, one breath and a moment of pure peace above all of the noise. In that moment you make a decision to stop listening to the noise. Suddenly it becomes so clear that the misery and suffering of being clawed at by all the bad arguments with yourself and the world, awful loops of pain and self induced and self perpetuated suffering, the cheap excuses and reasons “why not” to change, evolve or expand- are useless and just plain stressful.

From that illumination everything is obvious, everything makes sense.